Heal a Broken Heart with Dr. Shefali Tsabary

RELATIONSHIP MYTHS

• Don’t look at it as trouble and failure: one of the greatest misconceptions about relationships is that they can fail.
• Relationships never fail: they are always the perfect mirror for who you are.
• Mirror because it is through the relationship you get to see how you have yet to grow, how you need to heal yourself.
• We are always healing, always evolving.
• Until we are mostly healed, we will keep using relationships for the wrong reasons: dependency, for being possessed or possessing the other, control.
• It’s a repetition of what you did as a child with your parents—you will repeat this in most relationships until you heal your inner child and awaken so you don’t need someone else to heal you.
• In relationship therapy, people come in saying: he/she didn’t meet my needs and they should meet my needs, but there’s nobody on the outside who should and can meet our inner needs—it’s your inside responsibility.

ROMANTIC LOVE

• Hollywood promotes the idea of romantic love, which is a delusion: e.g. ‘you complete me’.
• This idea is predicated on an inner void, and it preys on our inner hunger: fools us to believe that hunger can be satisfied by somebody on the outside.
• Romantic love is an industry that we all fall for: believing there’s somebody perfect for us—and most marriages “fail” because they are based on this wrong idea and ideals.
• Marriage can end up being a reenactment of your relationship with your parents: this might have involved control, possession, conditional love, desperate need.
• Conditionality in relationships: e.g. as long as you follow my prerequisites of what makes a perfect partner I will adore you, but as soon as you struggle, be imperfect, or grow and change and want to leave the relationship, I will hate you.
• Relationships often fail because they are based on a lot of prescriptions and expectations.

CONSCIOUS PARENTING

• Consciousness is a journey: an awakening process that has many layers.
• You need to realize we are all humans here on this same journey: try not to pressure yourself to raise the perfect kid because there is no such thing.
• Purpose: each one of us is here on this earth to manifest our unique voice.
• Your ego (pain-body) and unhealed self can keep blocking the capacity of ourselves and our child to evolve until you resolve it.
• The challenge to resolve your inner pain and wounding from childhood.

SELF-LOVE

• You can’t love yourself until you heal yourself, and that requires dedication and a process—you have to marry the journey and be committed.
• If there’s any marriage we should undertake, any commitment we should make, it should be to walk this path towards our inner truth.
• Before we marry someone on the outside, the first union that needs to occur is deep healing of the inner self.

WHERE YOU CAN START

• The path out of suffering is the most simple elegant path you can take.
• Start by looking in the mirror and being brutally transparent with yourself.
• How many people are you being transparent within your life? A common answer is: maybe one if that.
• First, be willing to say: I have been inauthentic and have not been living my truth.
• Then begin the path to open your mind to the fears that have been blocking you: start reading, listening to podcasts, retreats, dig deep and seek help.
• You have to begin by searching, by being a seeker.
• Everyone wants to change by sitting exactly where they are. You have to journey, you have to travel—take a solo adventure within yourself and your soul.
• It’s not easy, but we spend hours and decades going to school, we spend hours every day on our appearance—what if we channeled that into self-work?

CONFLICT WITHIN RELATIONSHIPS

• When we were young and in love we might have fallen in love with the ‘person’ of another person that filled the void in us.
• When one person in a relationship awakens and the other person doesn’t, it creates a shift.
• Women might move towards consciousness a little faster: women can be more emotionally literate, more nurturing, oxytocin-filled, typically bonders, have been allowed to be in touch with their inner world.
• Men have often told not to be in touch with their emotions and inner world.
• The answer to ‘how do I change my partner?’ is: you can’t.
• This creates chaos and tough choices: do you stick with your truth or continue conforming to an idea of a happy relationship?
• If your partner is ready for inspiration you might be able to help by being yourself, but you cannot ask them to change or expect them to just because you have.
• Consciousness allows you to understand we are not all meant to change at the same pace.
• Each being is here to change exactly when they’re ready.
• Consciousness will help you to release expectations and free everybody to be themselves.

MISTAKES

• Biggest delusion about relationships: expecting that people are here to meet your needs, expecting that we can control them.
• By stepping away from this type of thinking, you free the people around you and yourself.

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• Don’t forget to take a screenshot of this episode, tag us both on social media (@DrShefali & @jimkwik) and share your greatest “aha!” moment from this episode with us!